Sunday, March 31, 2013

The Day of Res-Erection?

Happy Zombie Jesus day, all! This Easter, our club threw its annual Easter party, and we were all required to wear Easter colors (pastel pinks and yellows and greens) along with bunny ears. This is bullshit for several reasons. First, I don't know what to make of Jesus' resurrection intersecting with adulterous erections in the space of the strip club. Second, I think it's probably a total violation of employment law to have us independent contractors (is that what we are?) spend a day shopping for pastel thongs and bunny ears which we pay for ourselves, but the club requires us to wear. And finally, does any customer even give a shit about this? Seriously, strip club dudes out there - are ANY of you ever like, "Shit, the girls at 'Mixed Emotions' are wearing bunny ears today! I better go get me a beer and a lapdance, pronto!" The same goes for our mandatory naughty-Santa themed outfits the month of December, or the "Dominican independence day" Dominican flag outfits. I did a little bit of calculating, and it turns out that in my four years of stripping, I have probably spent about $350 on 'theme' days at various clubs. Do you know how many dicks I had to sit on to earn that $350?! Not to mention the penises I had to press against...

As if that wasn't weird enough, I had to hear a customer passionately digress on his favorite subject, "Euphology." Well, that's how I erroneously assumed it was spelled. Actually, Guillermo is passionately into UFO-logy. The study of UFO's. Now, I'm not so arrogantly human-centric that I've ruled out the strong likelihood of life outside planet Earth, but Guillermo told me that he woke up from a nap the other day, looked out his window, and "I swear to god. There was a spaceship there." See, Obama and the other heads of state around the world are actually all in on this huge secret, which is that the earth is but one planet of many that needs to be governed and ruled. And what we perceive as our government is actually part of a much larger assembly of universal leaders or heads. Our local leaders distract us with day to day shit so we don't notice that there are aliens who really run the universe. (They are humanoids, by the way. The look a lot like us. But their brains are millions of years more evolved.) If I would just look at the sky on a clear night, I might see a UFO and start to understand some of what Guillermo was talking about, and he can also recommend some fabulous books to me the subject.

Finally, I gave a dance to a customer who told me that he would "tear my ass up" if he got ahold of me. That he'd "destroy my pussy. Just totally destroy it." What would happen if I reversed this dynamic for sexy talk with men? Say shit like, "I would RUIN your cock. I mean just tear it off and put it in a vase with water in it. Maybe those little stones at the bottom for a decorative flair. I mean I would just bite that shit off and, you know, chew on it like a Tootsie Roll. And then spit it out like chewed-up paan on a Bombay sidewalk for some pigeon to eat. Yum."


  1. I think "Cock in a Vase" would be a big seller. The thought of you adding little stones to it made me literally laugh out loud.

    I agree that the Easter theme is not the most well-conceived marketing plan for a strip club. Hope you had a good night despite the idiot management.

    Glad to see you back on the blog. Just thought I'd let you know that someone out there finds them witty and thoughtful.

  2. LMFAO "Maybe those little stones at the bottom for a decorative flair." I seriously just laughed out loud, and that doesn't happen often from me reading something. ;)


  3. Great post. I visited my local hangout strip club in the night before Easter. Some of the dancers, but not all, were wearing bunny ears and other Easter paraphernalia, but evidently this was not mandated. So, I gather there are also some dancers who think this helps. (I would guess that they just think it makes things more fun, and girls who look like they are having fun get more business, but that's just a guess. I spent my time and money with a girl who was not wearing anything Easter related).
    The wierd thing was teh manager on duty. A woman. She was wearing a very spring like sundress and bouncing around like she was in a great mood. Without drinking. When I told her she looked like she was having a great time, she started telling me about what a great thing it was that Jesus sacrificed himself and endured so much pain for others, so that our sins could be forgiven. Kind of a wierd place for her to proselytize. When I made some joke about this being a good place to commit some sins to be forgiven, she told me not to forget to pray for forgiveness.
    Anyway, a great post. Worth waiting for, but I hope we don't have to wait so long for the next one.