Okay, my title is a failed attempt to come up with something like the gender-opposite equivalent of the "Madonna/Whore" complex. You know what I'm talking about; the psychological complex in which a male begins to see all women as either (and only) pure and non-sexual, or dirty and whorish. Fine, fine, Guy-Ritchie/Gigolo does nothing for this. Celibate/Stud or Priest/Player?
I think I'm starting to embody something like the female equivalent of Madonna/Whore! You're either a strip club perv OR a regular guy I'd be into.
This goes against everything I (theoretically) believe in! I certainly don't think there's anything inherently wrong with strip clubs, pornography, or paid sex. But you (o blog readers!) are familiar with the frustrations I've dealt with relating to customers. In general, the fact that a guy is a strip club regular, or pays for sex, automatically just serves as a turn-off - even if he's attractive in all other ways.
I found I've (problematically) divided the world up into two types of men: The guys who (1) lie to their partners (i.e. cheating when they're supposedly monogamous) and/or spend spare time and cash at strip clubs, and (2) the guys who aren't "overly" into porn, ogling women, or getting more sex than they already have in their lives. And the former category of men I want nowhere near my vagina. This sucks for me. I believe that sexual freedom between consenting adults is necessary and should be unstigmatized. And I think it's sad when women "don't let" their husbands watch porn (or get into watching it themselves!) or forbid their boyfriends from a lapdance or two at the strip club.
But at the same time, I can't deny the rising resentment I have toward straight men who (and not that these are necessarily connected factors) suck in bed because they're oversaturated with images of a world of plugging various holes being the definition of sex. Who secretly cheat on their partners. Who assume a sense of entitlement to getting themselves off, or see getting you off as a favor of some sort rather than a sexual act itself.
At work, I'm obviously confronted with the "Gigolo/Player" type (though certainly not all guys at strip clubs are that way!), and in my personal life I'm close to the other "type" of men. Of course, in recent months this dichotomy has become more and more complicated - with nice guys in the strip club space and pervy sketchos in my personal space, and I'm ending up frustrated!
But regarding my world view: what kind of dichotomy of heteromasculinity am I dealing with here? What would Freud say (other than to give birth to a boy...)?
weeel, as any good stripper (like myself) will tell you...
ReplyDeletedon't date the people you meet at the club, and chances are you, you'll turn out okay!
although i do know what you mean. i would not date a "strip club guy" either, even though i make my money off them.
I'm sure you believe that there are many shades between the two Male sexual archetypes you've established. But maybe the strip club space attracts the extreme type of hetero Male personality you've mentioned. And you've also posted about a few customers who are actually nice guys and thus thwart the dichotomy as well.
ReplyDeletei like that you wrote this and i like that you are being challenged on it by the nice customers and the pervy personal life people. dichotomies are always tricky and should probably always be problematized.
ReplyDeleteone of my last lovers confessed he used to buy sex and i found that it intrigued me more than bothered me because 1) i knew he wouldn't do it while we were dating and 2) he was being honest with me. i think my dichotomy/continuum is more based on honesty and integrity then how or where the sex is gotten.
plus, there's those incredibly custies who really seem to come in for hugs and shoulder rubs and are fully just needing to fill a lack of love in their life. they strike me as much more "good" than handfuls of dudes i know not-from-the-club.
anyways. thanks for writing.